


Bro(gre)s In the War

by ermayzing



Series: The Shrek Chronicles [6]
Category: Shrek Series
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death, Murder, Noodles, Ramen, War, bc his last name sounds like shrek, inspired by reading about Chiang Kai-Shek in history
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:29:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5370281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ermayzing/pseuds/ermayzing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shrek and Chiang Kai-Shek had been friends for many years. They had fought wars together. But now, on Shrek's 2000th birthday, Chiang tries to kill Shrek.</p>
<p>Is this the real Chiang?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bro(gre)s In the War

**Author's Note:**

> written on April 23, 2015.

It was no secret that Shrek was a credible war hero. He had fought for many years in the Great Swamp War of 420 B.C. as well as the Ogre Battle of 3019. And Shrek always won. To this day, Shrek has not lost a battle.

Back in the 1950s, over 1,000 years ago, Shrek met his side-kick. Since that time, they have not once parted. Shrek granted him eternal life when he met him. His name…

Chiang Kai-shek.

There were multiple reasons why Shrek chose him, of all people. Of course, he was a strapping young lad at the age of 70, but there was so much more to him.

For one, their names. When Shrek had met Chiang, they introduced themselves, and, at the time, Chiang was so starstruck to see The Ogrelord, that he accidentally referred to himself as “Kai-Shrek,” which remains his nickname.

Another aspect was Chiang’s remarkable ability to impersonate a parakeet. He would often sit on the massive ogre’s shoulders and enjoy the scenery. Surprisingly, Shrek had no problem with this. Had it been anyone else, Shrek would have hauked a huge ogre loogie and slapped it on their sorry face. But Chiang was different.

When Chiang got hurt in battle, Shrek would restore his layers. And when Shrek got hurt in battle… actually, that never happened.

But one day, on April 22nd, 4001, Shrek’s 2,000th birthday… something happened.

Shrek was blowing out his candles when it happened. He was so happy to be 2,000. He was finally legal. But, his excitement proved to be too much.

Shrek drew in a breath, and blew out the candles with an intense ogre roar. Shrek cackled loudly, happy, and made a wish, his eyes closed…

_I wish for Chiang to never die_ , Shrek thought to himself. But he made a horrible, horrible mistake.

You see, you can’t wish for something which is already true. Because that would cancel the wish out, like in math. But Shrek knew not of math, only rage. He was never educated.

Shrek opened his eyes after wishing, unaware of what was to be. He looked down to the cake, but… it wasn’t there. He looked up to Chiang for answers, but received none. There, splattered upon Chiang’s face, was Shrek’s cake.

Chiang let out a cry of desperation as he summoned his waterbending skills.

“YOU! HOW DARE YOU, OGRE. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!” Kai-shek’s voice boomed.

Shrek began to sob violently. His 2,000th birthday was ruined.

Suddenly, Chiang was on the ground, gasping for breath. Shrek gasped and rushed over.

“Chiang! What’s wrong?” Shrek questioned frantically.

“Shrek,” Chiang began. “I’m so sorry I never told you.”

“Told me what? What do you mean, Chiang?”

“Your… your layer restorations… they never worked, Shrek. I only look young because of my striking complexion and heritage.”

Shrek’s eyes widened, “No… no, you’re lying!”

“Shrek, please don’t scream. I’m sorry. H-happy 2,000th, S-Shrek… I still haven’t given you your… p-present… y-yet…”

Chiang shakily pulled himself along the floor to open the cabinet and pull out a small box, wrapped in onion skins.

Shrek cried, “Chiang, i-it’s beautiful!”

“You h-haven’t even opened i-it yet, you w-walnut,” Chiang said, laughing slightly. He was struggling to get air now.

Shrek tore through the beautiful garments to reach was was inside. Upon looking at the beautiful thing, tears sprung to his eyes. There, surrounded by complimentary slime, was a glass onion figurine.

“It’s your layers, Shrek. They were always meant for you.”

Tears of sorrow escaped Shrek’s eyes.

“Shrek, t-this is it. Goodbye, my Ogrelord…”

“NO!”

Immediately after, the entire house was reduced to dust as something shot through the ceiling. It was… Chiang in a rocket ship?!

The door to the space object opened with a great hiss as the second Chiang emerged.

“Shrek,” he said, “he is an impasta.”

“A… what?”

Shrek looked to the body of the seemingly dead Chiang and found nothing in it’s place. Suddenly, Shrek felt something slither around his neck, choking him. Shrek coughed violently, trying desperately to get free. Then, the space Chiang pulled out a massive machete.

“GET AWAY FROM THE OGRELORD!” He screamed, making a chopping motion. Shrek could breathe again.

Shrek fell to the ground, and space Chiang knelt down, holding something.

He held up a small noodle. “Not to worry, Shrek, this im _pasta_ was choking you. That was it’s plan all along. I am the real Chiang Kai-shek. I promise.”

Shrek sat up quickly, but immediately fell back. “No… my layers.”

“Shrek? What do you mean?”

Shrek sat, shell-shocked, as he finally grasped what had just happened. This was the first time ever… Shrek had been hurt in battle.

Chiang seemed to sense his distraught feelings, “Shrek, it’s okay. Everyone gets injured in battle at one point. We’ve all lost something today, though. It hurt me to kill that noodle. It reminded me of ramen, my favorite dish. The dish which I… promised to… never hurt…”

Shrek’s eyes widened as Chiang sobbed, and soon, he joined in as well. They sat there, sobbing over their losses.

They would never be the same.

But they would move on. Hours later, Shrek had replenished both of their layers, and they took a vacation.

The battle went down in history as The Pasta Massacre.

As for the onion figurine?

Well, that went in **Shrek’s Punishment Barrel.**

It’s screams can often be heard at night.

It sure _wasn’t_ a nice boulder.


End file.
